Respect your elders
Jul. 10th, 2008 11:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pasitheaA friend of mine has spent most of the summer working on making an entire tarot deck. Naturally, she's found some of the cards easy and others difficult. She's presently working on the Priest. I think this and the Magician would be difficult cards for me. Anyhow... We both come from having a distant past where we were somewhat bitter and aloof things. (Probably me more than her) So when she posted the rough, I offered an idea that resonated with me. http://shatterstripes.livejournal.com/877145.html?thread=7652697#t7652697
In it, I mentioned a right-wing catch phrase that I've heard lots of times (the liberal at 20, conservative at 30 nonsense) and that's what I thought about on my way to work today (aside from some interesting mycological finds that I'll post about later)
In 1990, I was hateful to gay people and expressed a lot of homophobic sentiments. Mostly because of crap I'd had dumped on me throughout my childhood. I got to college and by the spring of 1991, I was very secretly dating a person of my own sex. We lived together that summer and while I was living there in Pittsburgh, I bought a copy of They Might Be Giant's: Flood. When I got hit by the car, I felt it was the perfect time to come out to my family because I was a thousand miles away and hurt so they'd be their most sympathetic.
They said it was okay (this later turned out to be a lie to make me feel safe with the idea of coming back to where they could control my life) and to make a long story short, fall of 1991 found me back in Oklahoma. Of course, it was too late by that point. I was already growing a spine and transforming for the obedient slave into my own person.
Family gatherings such as Thanksgiving and Christmas had always upset me due to their sexism, racism, and general contempt for everyone (Including myself since I didn't measure up to their 'standards'). After spending a summer away from Oklahoma, spending Thanksgiving with my family was a hundred times worse. I remember quite clearly how I ruined Thanksgiving. My uncle and grandfather were watching the football game on TV. Alvin (grandfather) said, "I love football but I can hardly stand to watch it anymore because of all the damn niggers." and then my uncle agreed with him and they went off about how stupid blacks were and so on.
This crap had always made me sick, but I'd been a quiet child and afraid. I was taught to 'respect my elders'. I'd bit my tongue. I'd hid. I was done with that. I went to another room, queued up my 'They Might Be Giants' tape to the song, 'Your Racist Friend', cranked the volume all the way up, hit play, locked the door, walked out of the room and out of the house.
My mother tracked me down and demanded I apologize for my 'childish' behavior. I refused and she told me I was acting like I was a baby. Then she ran the spiel about how they're old people and set in their ways. Eventually, I did go back but I didn't apologize or eat anything. Everyone just glared at me and it was a very silent holiday. My mother bitched me out all the way home and by the time I got to a place where I could be alone, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown but... I held my ground.
You know though. Reflecting on this experience now, I see I was right to do so. 'Respect your elders'. You know what's REALLY disrespectful to your elders? Assuming they're stupid and incapable of change, that they're so set in their ways they can't learn anything new. I'm 36 now and I'm open to ideas that I would have screamed hatred against when I was 18. Little children are selfish and throw tantrums when the world doesn't bend to their will. Not adults.
Speaking from my own family experiences (which may not be representative of everyone) 'Respect your elders', if I thought about it, seems to mean, "Just let the old bastard have his way. We're all hoping he'll die soon so we can collect our inheritance."
In my family at least, that's really what it gets down to. Money. If you think about this on an external level. Geez. Is it really WORTH it? Would you be friends with someone who lords money over you? Would you make nice for some homophobic racist asshole because they MIGHT give you something for it (must not make parallel to christianity here) I wouldn't. Perhaps I don't understand how blood relatives really feel since my mother never really treated me well and my biological father left when I was a couple months old but I don't think it's a blood thing at all. I love my dad. He adopted me and has always been very kind to me. Never hateful, disapproving, contemptuous, racist, sexist, or any of the things my 'blood' family has been. My mother, I can't spend five minutes near her without a scathing sidelong comment designed to make me feel bad. Fuck that. I've got better things to do with my time. I still have enough of that childhood wiring that this shit CAN still hurt me even though, if I stop and think about it, this person is less than me in every way I can think of.
So anyhow. Yeah... Respect your elders. Treat them as fucking human beings and if they're lousy human beings, respect yourself. Get away from them or speak up. What have you really got to lose? If you really love someone, shouldn't you tell them when they're making an ass of themselves or when they say something that hurts you? And if they really love you, shouldn't they listen? Otherwise, it's all a load of crap and both sides are deceiving themselves.
In it, I mentioned a right-wing catch phrase that I've heard lots of times (the liberal at 20, conservative at 30 nonsense) and that's what I thought about on my way to work today (aside from some interesting mycological finds that I'll post about later)
In 1990, I was hateful to gay people and expressed a lot of homophobic sentiments. Mostly because of crap I'd had dumped on me throughout my childhood. I got to college and by the spring of 1991, I was very secretly dating a person of my own sex. We lived together that summer and while I was living there in Pittsburgh, I bought a copy of They Might Be Giant's: Flood. When I got hit by the car, I felt it was the perfect time to come out to my family because I was a thousand miles away and hurt so they'd be their most sympathetic.
They said it was okay (this later turned out to be a lie to make me feel safe with the idea of coming back to where they could control my life) and to make a long story short, fall of 1991 found me back in Oklahoma. Of course, it was too late by that point. I was already growing a spine and transforming for the obedient slave into my own person.
Family gatherings such as Thanksgiving and Christmas had always upset me due to their sexism, racism, and general contempt for everyone (Including myself since I didn't measure up to their 'standards'). After spending a summer away from Oklahoma, spending Thanksgiving with my family was a hundred times worse. I remember quite clearly how I ruined Thanksgiving. My uncle and grandfather were watching the football game on TV. Alvin (grandfather) said, "I love football but I can hardly stand to watch it anymore because of all the damn niggers." and then my uncle agreed with him and they went off about how stupid blacks were and so on.
This crap had always made me sick, but I'd been a quiet child and afraid. I was taught to 'respect my elders'. I'd bit my tongue. I'd hid. I was done with that. I went to another room, queued up my 'They Might Be Giants' tape to the song, 'Your Racist Friend', cranked the volume all the way up, hit play, locked the door, walked out of the room and out of the house.
My mother tracked me down and demanded I apologize for my 'childish' behavior. I refused and she told me I was acting like I was a baby. Then she ran the spiel about how they're old people and set in their ways. Eventually, I did go back but I didn't apologize or eat anything. Everyone just glared at me and it was a very silent holiday. My mother bitched me out all the way home and by the time I got to a place where I could be alone, I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown but... I held my ground.
You know though. Reflecting on this experience now, I see I was right to do so. 'Respect your elders'. You know what's REALLY disrespectful to your elders? Assuming they're stupid and incapable of change, that they're so set in their ways they can't learn anything new. I'm 36 now and I'm open to ideas that I would have screamed hatred against when I was 18. Little children are selfish and throw tantrums when the world doesn't bend to their will. Not adults.
Speaking from my own family experiences (which may not be representative of everyone) 'Respect your elders', if I thought about it, seems to mean, "Just let the old bastard have his way. We're all hoping he'll die soon so we can collect our inheritance."
In my family at least, that's really what it gets down to. Money. If you think about this on an external level. Geez. Is it really WORTH it? Would you be friends with someone who lords money over you? Would you make nice for some homophobic racist asshole because they MIGHT give you something for it (must not make parallel to christianity here) I wouldn't. Perhaps I don't understand how blood relatives really feel since my mother never really treated me well and my biological father left when I was a couple months old but I don't think it's a blood thing at all. I love my dad. He adopted me and has always been very kind to me. Never hateful, disapproving, contemptuous, racist, sexist, or any of the things my 'blood' family has been. My mother, I can't spend five minutes near her without a scathing sidelong comment designed to make me feel bad. Fuck that. I've got better things to do with my time. I still have enough of that childhood wiring that this shit CAN still hurt me even though, if I stop and think about it, this person is less than me in every way I can think of.
So anyhow. Yeah... Respect your elders. Treat them as fucking human beings and if they're lousy human beings, respect yourself. Get away from them or speak up. What have you really got to lose? If you really love someone, shouldn't you tell them when they're making an ass of themselves or when they say something that hurts you? And if they really love you, shouldn't they listen? Otherwise, it's all a load of crap and both sides are deceiving themselves.
