Pasithea

It was inevitable that I'd see the Transformers movie just due to the noise and because I was vaguely curious. Also, since it's a truly mainstream film, it would give me some idea of the mindset of the mainstream (a horror I subject myself to periodically because I'm a masochist) So it seemed like the best thing to do was get it out of the way quickly. I had no pretenses that it would be good. I kind of liked the cartoon when I was a child though I was never a fan and never had any of the toys (Although we did have a few Go-bots.)

With the possible exception of Ghost Rider this is the worst film I've ever seen or at least the worst I've seen since the last time I subjected myself to a Michael Bay film. Seriously. Who is he blowing or blackmailing to keep getting directing credits? The military general-type guy (Jon Voigt) was the only semi-competent actor in the film (and looking at his other credits on IMDB, that's a really sad statement) For the rest, I've seen significantly better acting in pornos.

The film is basically a 3 hour long commercial for the loltard lifestyle. A unending assault of car and AXE commercials with some 3 Stooges thrown in. An unending stream of poorly delivered catch-phrases, feeble self-reference, oogling the starlet, and rich yuppie 'nerd' kids somehow making it good despite being a complete loser.

I realize now that it was worse than Ghost Rider. With that piece of crap I could at least pinch my nose and get into the film a little bit. This piece of crap, I was outside the film the entire time, sitting there in excruciating agony for an eternity waiting for the thing to end. It was truly awful.

I'll summarize the movie with this spoiler: Since all man's inventions like the car, airplane and radio were invented by stealing technology from Megatron after he was found in the 1920s, frozen at the north pole where he'd been for a thousand years, the Decepticons are able to make a virus that takes down all world communications systems. So they find the old telegraph station in the 1920's base and have to hotwire a computer to it to send morse code. The guy on the receiving end taps out the message on the transmitter and the day is saved.

No. I'm not making that up. Any of it. It's a movie made by and for the sort of people that comment on Digg and Youtube. I'm sure it will do well with its target market.

I really need to find a way off this planet.